The Thought For First Year

Guys are so fucking annoying when the issue is about relationship.

Because they don't understand A FUCKING SINGLE THING you're saying!!!

They think they get it, but they just DON'T!!!

And when they think they get it but they don't, they're trying to argue like you're the one who create the problems.

I have to deal with this situation everyday! (Okay, a bit more exaggerating, not everyday, but sometime it is, or the day next.)

FOR A FUCKING ONE YEAR!!!

Yesterday was my First Year anniverssary for my marriage. And the whole thing turns out to be a disaster for both of us.

I will blog about the celebration issue in another post, and now you have to listen to me whine FIRST!!!

Seriously, why do guys always look at the matter differently from how we see it?

Is it because of their brains? Or the hormones or something??? Or simply they don't have enough experience in dealing with the issue?

Whatever it is, just don't to make the issue more and more complicated can you???

As what I mentioned above, I have been in this marriage for one year, and when I look back to the past of ours, all I see are arguments, tears and cold wars. Seriously, this is not fun at all.

And this is only the FIRST YEAR of it! What am I going to do if this marriage is going on for 50 years? Do I have to deal with fights and arguments and cold wars almost everyday???

I think I will die in the age of 40.

Seriously, I think getting married and committed myself in this marriage will be the biggest mistake I have done in my life.

I should've be a single mum. Really.

You have no idea what it is when a guy is forced to marry you because of responsibility.

Not that he doesn't have the love for me, it's just the purpose of the whole marriage is responsibility, not love. The fundamental feeling for the marriage is not love!

The propotion between love and responsibility are imbalance.

In my case, I think responsibility is the main thing.

What's marriage when the guy who marries you doesn't love you as much as he just wanted to marry you and it has to be you?

Maybe you're thinking:

Aiyo, what are you asking for? You should be happy because he's willing to bear his responsibility and deal with this shit!

FUCK YOU! I'm NOT HAPPY!!!

I rather he run away and don't ever appear in front of me than he bears the responsibility of being a father and husband but he's doing both bad!

I rather be a single mum than getting tied up in a marriage which I eventually forgt the feeling of love and happiness.

I'm having bloody childish thinker as husband who thinks he gave up his dream( I don't know he has one!), his own freedom on behalf of the child and me and he's not willing to learn to become a good father, a good husband and not using his brain to think but using his ass!

We both lived in KL instead of Ipoh because I don't want to live the boring life there, and of course, to escape from the controls of his mum. I just don't like my life to be control and fix with the opinions of old folks.

If you're my friend and know me well, you should've know that I like to break the rules and traditions. I have my own personality and I do things according my way.

My personality is too strong it can't be accepted by most of the people.

Only those who are destined to love me can be with me. That includes my best friends, and at least I thought, Bun.

We both met by an arrangement with my friends to a party. Things get a lil heat up as Peiyue gave me his phone number the next day and I'm the one who takes the first move in contacting him.

Yeah, I'm always the one who takes the first step to get to know the person I'm interested with, so what? It's nothing wrong in solving the mysteries and fulfilling my curiosity!

Fyi, he's the one who started the whole relationship, I mean, with the promises of boyfriend thingy.

And so, I think I'm in a stable relationship... But not until 2 months after being with him.

I started to know that he's not the one who will supports me for whatever I'm going after. And of course, all the perceptions of life, views of matter are totally different between us!

I've told him about this problem. For what I believe, I think for two person to get along, at least they have to have something in common, like hobbies, dreams, thinkings.... etc.

But he managed to convince me that: There's no two person in this world is alike. So, what's the problem of being different???

I'm kinda stunned after he said that, and I try to adapt that saying and convince myself that's a right point. No one in this world is the same. We all have differences in ourselves that makes us unique from each other.

And so, ignoring the alarm ringing in my head that warns me about this relationship, I gave in and continue it without a doubt.

But you know, things get worst when the guy you know is sagitaurus!

FUCK Sagitaurus!

Whoever dare to say the one that most suit geminians are sagitaurus are going to let me chop off their tongue so that they'll never spread all the incorrect informations and lead people into troublesome and hardhips!

Maybe you think Sagis are fun, and outgoing, but not when they're in RELATIONSHIP!!!!

In relationship, they're some freaky controller!!! And not to say, childish!!! And doesn't really care about how you feel because they see things about you superficially!

And during the pak tor time, I have rejected A LOT of modelling jobs and some are very high paid indeed. Just because Bun freaking DON'T LIKE me to get involve in this what he called: A dirty society of freelancers and models.

And he tends to influence me in changing styles of my clothing and my personality! How pathetic I am for letting him to do that?????

I did this all because of LOVE! This fucking thing that disappears after getting married!

And then, I'm not me, myself anymore, and I'm not allowed to go out with my friends, who all of them thinking Bun will get angry of me for dumping him alone at home.

Yes, he does get a lil bit angry when I go out and yum cha with friends. How fucking annoying!!!!

Just because you don't have friends to go out with, doesn't means that I have to stay at home accompanying you ALL THE TIME! Do you get it??? I still have my own life!!!! You don't like party, doesn't mean I dislike it too!!!!!

I have to refuse my friends invitation just because I don't want him to be unhappy!!!

I freaking lost my pace and control in my life!!!

I can't even do things that I feel happy doing it!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!

Things have been going on and on and on, and so does arguments and fights.

I'm start thinking to call this relationship to an end. Yes, honestly, I did think of break up with Bun!

The reason is none other than: I can't be the TRUE ME when I'm with him, and I have to deal with all the nonsense and I can't live my life happier when I'm with him.

What's a relationship if you're not happy in it??? Might have escape from it then! Life is so short for you to be unhappy!!!

And at the same time, I'm pregnant!

Seriously, is this a JOKE???????????

If it is, IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY AT ALL!!!!

I'm trying to loose the ends here and what I got is more and more tangles of the situation!!!

After knowing I'm pregnant, I'm seriously in a dilemma.

The last minute I'm trying to save my ass out of this shit and the next minute I've been told I have to deal with a bigger shit!!!

What the FUCK!!!

I 100% confirm I want the baby, but not Bun. He actually insist I go for the abortion.

I ask him to go home, go back to his hometown and never come back again. He don't want. So??? Here comes the conflict again!

When I first realise, the baby is already 3 months old, and if I was to do the operation, It has to be done quick! At least we have to made up our mind in 2 days!!!

I cried and cried and cried, did not want that to happen, but I'm watching Bun asking help from his friend by lending money to him. The operation was not cheap!!! The bigger the baby is, higher charge it will be.

And finally, I manage to convince Bun for not going for the operation with all the crying and begging and so on.

Whenever I think, I found it fucking hilarious! I shouldn't have beg him. I should've ask him to leave and go live his life somewhere else instead if he's wanting to get out of this shit so badly.

ALL THOSE MOTHERFUCKER WHO ASKED THEIR GIRLFRIEND TO GO FOR ABORTION ARE SELFISH FUCKER WHO WILL EVENTUALLY GET THEIR ASS INTO HELL!!!

Didn't you realise how much the operation will effect ones health????? And not to say, mental?????

Why do we have to risk our lives and save your ass out if you're the one who is letting all your sperms in and not considering of wearing condoms???

FUCK YOU!!!

Karma will get you for demanding abortion!!! At least, some people will end up alone in their old age and dying without a child surrounding them!!!

These people are not worth to be sympathize for being alone when you're old and when you dying because YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GAVE UP THE CHANCE OF HAVING CHILDREN AND NOT LETTING THEM HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD AND BE WITH YOU FIRST!!!

Some people who did abortion, after years, when they finally get married, they found that they can't have children!

So what? Why go for all the consultations and trying all the methods to get one since you refuse of having them for the first place??? You deserve it!!!

When god gave you the gift, you refuse the gift by not even looking at it. Sometimes, chance only come ONCE! Prepare or not, it's there. So the decision is yours!

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Anyway, I'm trying very hard for things to work out on my marriage.

I will try my best to look at the positive side of Bun and the whole family thingy, and will try my best to be as positive as I can be!!!

I've learned that ranting and blaming, screaming and yelling won't solve the problem. (But at least will make myself feel better! Haha!) So I should stop all these stupid actions and actually put effort in creating a more harmony family.

(But you'll still be seeing me ranting once in a while... What? I need place to complaint anyway! And pardon me, this is my blog!!!)

Wish me LUCK!!!

Will blog again soon~!!!